the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
