I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So many bounce houses so little time
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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