I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
