we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm like, not good at living.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
