ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
