i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
