My cat gives me a boner
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
