Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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