I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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