my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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