Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
