There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
