I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
