Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
