I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
