I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize