I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
