he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
