Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
