I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
