R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
