and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize