i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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