he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
