Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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