my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
birth control should be required to get into college
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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