did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
