remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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