WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
