So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
