Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize