the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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