perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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