Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I CAN MOONWALK!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
