So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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