I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
