ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
