I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i will never coherently bang her
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
