I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize