having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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