seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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