this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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