made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
