Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
