so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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