I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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