Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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