So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
