i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
