Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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