We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
