I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
