My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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