you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
