I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
