i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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