My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Randomize
