Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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