my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
