some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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