You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
