she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
