I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
