you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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