Sober January is a disaster.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
