Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
