You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
