You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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