I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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