I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
